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Sunday reflections

Sunday April 14th2019

So, today I heard from my child he would be having a playdate with the daughter of one of my closest female friends. This means she has been in touch with my ex. The ex that’s currently denying me any assistance, the one who denies me adequate contact with my child, the ex who is trying to gain full custody of my child that I’ve raised since birth. This hurts. A LOT.

This brings me to think about what it is sufferers of domestic violence( because yes emotional abuse falls in this category) have to deal with when they finally manage to leave;

Normal consequences of divorce / separation

Homelessness

Financial poverty / government dependence 

Social isolation                                                                                                                 

Emotional issues arising out of the abuse

Parenting a child alone / part time

Legal battles / safety issues

People don’t seem to think about this at all, or if at all only fleetingly. Those who need support more than most are left alone to deal with the issues.

I have been in two refuges in my nearly one year of homelessness. One for 6 weeks, which was a shared house where I was unable to have my child with me (even if my ex would have let me see him). It was a lovely house but shared with two other “ damaged” women. After that I was able to transfer to a refuge for women and children, in the hope I could see my son more. My ex (being the elitist he is ) didn’t want my child mixing with “ refuge” children, so I wasn’t “ allowed” overnights with him. For approx.. 3 months all I saw of him was a few hours on a Saturday. After my time in the second refuge ( 3 months max ) I was evicted. Oh and before you all wonder how this works – yes you need to pay rent at a refuge.

Right now, Im still homeless, I have slightly more access to my child ( due to leverage we used as hard as we could because my ex wanted to take him out of the country on holiday). I have him Friday nights one week, I have to pick him up (even though I currently reside a long way away from his school and house) on a Friday and then take him to soccer on a Saturday morning ( close to his home), then drop him at my mothers house ( yes she is trying to be “ fair “), which is basically a stab in the back . The next week I pick him up Friday after school and I take him to soccer then back where I am . Only to have to drop him back home on Sunday morning at 9 am. This is a lot more than I’ve had since I left but its not enough for me or my child. I know this because I’ve asked him.

This all means I spend about 4-5 hours travelling per weekend – when I’m the one who has a low paid job and nothing but debt and stress following me. The mandate I have is to let it seem like none of this affects me and to ensure my child is happy with my meager offerings, whilst his father lavishes him with expensive outings and things. We still have joint parenting rights ( although he tried to take that away from me ). The courts in all honesty have helped my ex, the whole lengthy process has done nothing to support the primary carer of my child ( for the first 6 years of his life ) and has not helped stop my exes penchant for control and dictatorial tactics. He currently uses the same emotional control tactics on my son that he used on me for many years.

It must be added, I’ve lived out of a suitcase for the past year, most of my belongings and clothes are in the house I left, which he now presides over like a lord.

I have no health insurance, I struggle to pay for things like tolls, phone bills, clothes etc…whilst my ex lives in our 1.8 million dollar house, earning a six figure income and uses his social media to broadcast what a wonderful father he is – despite my child knowing I am homeless.

Mind you – this is man I have known since I was 16, and with whom I lived for more than 13 years. A man I supported and put first our entire relationship.

How does this happen? How can anyone let it happen? I am a good mother, a loving friend, a loyal family member, an intelligent and caring being. A person with wit and insight, empathy and aptitude. Yet here I am, at the bottom of society with no real avenues for assistance but to put myself into debt to lawyers who thankfully see me and my case and know that a) they will get money out of me eventually because I have a good case  and b) I don’t deserve this.

Emotional abuse is silent, its invisible and its insidious.  Open your eyes people, sharpen your listening skills, and please offer help to those who you know need it. You never know when you will need it yourself, and when you do need it, its too late.

INTRO

23.03.2019

Not visibly bruised but dying inside

It’s a Monday, it’s raining…and yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve had so far.  It’s nearly a year since I left. I’m still homeless ( Albeit lucky to have a lovely friend who has taken me under his roof whilst I try to save for bond for an apartment) , I see my boy way too infrequently, my family is oblivious to my plight despite knowing about it. “He’s never been anything but nice to me “they say, yes but what about me…your flesh and blood….who has and still is suffering…what about me?

 I have friends, poor friends who I’ve earbashed for part of this time. Many I’ve lost, whether due to his clever public campaigning or by me just not being in that physical area anymore. Oh and I can’t do the social thing when I have no money for food. Also, when you’ve been emotionally and financially abused for many years it makes that “ reaching out “ to others so much harder, even though I need it desperately.

There is also the social circle thing….he’s stayed in the house…so nothing has changed for him…except he needs to find another victim, I am trying to ensure this doesn’t become my son.

Here are the facts;

Together 14 years

Not married

One child – aged 7

Emotional & financial abuse & control

Tactics he’s still using nearly a year after I physically left him

Value of the house he lives in with my son – 1.8 mil AUD

How many places I’ve been/stayed in since I left – Two houses (room  within ) Two Womens refuges, one adjoined flat.

How many jobs I’ve had for how long in that year – 2 jobs for the last two months – apart from that basic Centrelink assistance

How many days I saw my son in 8 months – 44 days

Dedicated primary carer whilst working full time for the majority of my child’s life.

What my ex says about me – I’m a threat to my own child and I’ve not contributed to our “ life” to warrant me getting any kind of financial support.

Do I have good lawyers – yes

Does the legal system help those that have experienced this kind of abuse – no

Do I feel abandoned – absolutely

Do I want to give up – nearly every day

Do I have a choice – no

Why – my gorgeous 7 year old boy

So, this is why I am writing this. To have some kind of outlet ( as I can’t afford therapy yet). I will get access to some paid counselling from Victims services but as always these government processes take forever.

I have a need to vent about how unfair this is, this whole thing. Despite not believing in the justice system I feel deeply let down. My ex is now seen as primary carer because he’s been living with him for so long.  Never mind that the reason behind that is because he has withheld my son from me and because the custody application process is lengthy and there are too many delays.