Where do I start? There is just so much going on in my mind and heart and soul.
To the outside, it must seem like I live a normal life. I am outwardly happy and positive and enthusiastic. I get the stuff done I need to get done (on the whole).
I try to maintain contact with those people who have been around me and supported me despite feeling like I am in a silent bubble. I cannot stress enough how much of an impact my exes (and my mothers for that matter) abuse has had on me and my life. Not to mention my sons life. My poor innocent baby.
Some quotes which sum up what I have difficulty expressing better;
‘People would always say, “ I would never let anyone treat me like that,” They don’t realize abuse is not always physical or outright verbal. Some abuse is more insidious and starts out slow, with small continuous small indiscretions, until they program you to accept their bad behaviors. It’s punishing you with emotional distance, and making you feel unworthy, its slowly ignoring your wants and needs, making you feel unloved or unimportant. It’s a progressive manipulation, where you ultimately find yourself wondering how you ever got into that position.’
‘Survivors often feel disappointment in themselves because they didn’t initially recognize the abuse. It takes victims a while to see the patterns because the abusive person works hard to cover the evidence they are toxic. They go to extraordinary lengths to hide the truth. It also takes more than one incident to see a pattern. Like collecting pebbles, it takes many for a bag to become heavy. It takes a long time to feel the weight of the harm done.’
‘A narcissists weapon of choice is often verbal – slander, lies, playing the victim in flipped tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser, gossip, rage, verbal abuse, and intentional infliction of emotional pain. It is a systematic dismantling of anothers persons relationships, reputation, emotional, physical and spiritual health, life and very soul. This is why narcissists are so often called emotional vampires.’
‘A narcissists number one tool is neglect. What better way to crush a persons spirit than to treat a person like that don’t matter. What better way to invalidate them, their needs, their wants, their words, what is most important to them, and what means most to them? What better way to take a person out of the equation and make them feel invisible? The sooner who you are becomes less important, the more the narcissist becomes more and more important. That is why it is so difficult to heal from narcissistic abuse, because its not just the ending of a bad relationship, it’s the realization that they broke your spirit, they stole what’s most important to you, the essence of who you are.’
‘Victims are in such a trance and state of confusion that they don’t know the extent of the abuse, until they are away from their abuser. When you are not walking on eggshells, when you are not in a constant state of hyper vigilance and fear, then you are able to relax a minute, and see more of what is going on. When you start educating yourself you see a clearer picture of how you were manipulated and abused. There is so much damage to a victims mental health and overall wellbeing. All in an effort to gain dominance and control over them.’
Last but certainly not least, the best explanation I’ve ever read about about narcissists (my ex , my mother) and empaths ( that would be me );
‘Both empaths, overly compassionate people and narcissists, May have had trauma or abuse in their background. Overly compassionate people know what it is like to not feel cared about, valued and loved , so they deal with their trauma, by making sure the people around them never feel this way, even if it is at their own expense. They just cant handle the pain of knowing a person may be feeling lonely , sad, misunderstood and unloved, the way they may have felt in the past.
Narcissists, on the other hand create this false self, that is ever powerful, and will protect them from the world, by any means. They come first no matter what, and nothing and no one else matters. All the insecurity is hidden behind this false self, who is strong and charismatic and knows how to take care of number one. Both have had difficult and painful backgrounds, but they both chose very different ways of handling it. Both need to heal, and find healthier ways to handle their trauma. Narcissists have no desire or interest in change, but empaths can heal and learn better ways to handle their pain. They can overcome.’
I do struggle with the fact that, ultimately, he has zero awarenesss of his issues, that ultimately its him that needs help ( his constant digs about me being mentally ill really get me going believe me – the constant ongoing emotional abuse just doesn’t stop), but that will never happen, as he has not one ounce of self reflection or introspection. He is perfect and every one else can basically go fuck themselves.