Narcissists – traits, explanations, just wtf

Where do I start? There is just so much going on in my mind and heart and soul.

To the outside, it must seem like I live a normal life. I am outwardly happy and positive and enthusiastic. I get the stuff done I need to get done (on the whole).

I try to maintain contact with those people who have been around me and supported me despite feeling like I am in a silent bubble. I cannot stress enough how much of an impact my exes (and my mothers for that matter) abuse has had on me and my life. Not to mention my sons life. My poor innocent baby.

Some quotes which sum up what I have difficulty expressing better;

‘People would always say, “ I would never let anyone treat me like that,” They don’t realize abuse is not always physical or outright verbal. Some abuse is more insidious and starts out slow, with small continuous small indiscretions, until they program you to accept their bad behaviors. It’s punishing you with emotional distance, and making you feel unworthy, its slowly ignoring your wants and needs, making you feel unloved or unimportant. It’s a progressive manipulation, where you ultimately find yourself wondering how you ever got into that position.’

‘Survivors often feel disappointment in themselves because they didn’t initially recognize the abuse. It takes victims a while to see the patterns because the abusive person works hard to cover the evidence they are toxic. They go to extraordinary lengths to hide the truth. It also takes more than one incident to see a pattern. Like collecting pebbles, it takes many for a bag to become heavy. It takes a long time to feel the weight of the harm done.’

‘A narcissists weapon of choice is often verbal – slander, lies, playing the victim in flipped tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser, gossip, rage, verbal abuse, and intentional infliction of emotional pain. It is a systematic dismantling of anothers persons relationships, reputation, emotional, physical and spiritual health, life and very soul. This is why narcissists are so often called emotional vampires.’

‘A narcissists number one tool is neglect. What better way to crush a persons spirit than to treat a person like that don’t matter. What better way to invalidate them, their needs, their wants, their words, what is most important to them, and what means most to them? What better way to take a person out of the equation and make them feel invisible? The sooner who you are becomes less important, the more the narcissist becomes more and more important. That is why it is so difficult to heal from narcissistic abuse, because its not just the ending of a bad relationship, it’s the realization that they broke your spirit, they stole what’s most important to you, the essence of who you are.’

‘Victims are in such a trance and state of confusion that they don’t know the extent of the abuse, until they are away from their abuser. When you are not walking on eggshells, when you are not in a constant state of hyper vigilance and fear, then you are able to relax a minute, and see more of what is going on. When you start educating yourself you see a clearer picture of how you were manipulated and abused. There is so much damage to a victims mental health and overall wellbeing. All in an effort to gain dominance and control over them.’

Last but certainly not least, the best explanation I’ve ever read about about narcissists (my ex , my mother) and empaths ( that would be me );

‘Both empaths, overly compassionate people and narcissists, May have had trauma or abuse in their background. Overly compassionate people know what it is like to not feel cared about, valued and loved , so they deal with their trauma, by making sure the people around them never feel this way, even if it is at their own expense. They just cant handle the pain of knowing a person may be feeling lonely , sad, misunderstood and unloved, the way they may have felt in the past.

Narcissists, on the other hand create this false self, that is ever powerful, and will protect them from the world, by any means. They come first no matter what, and nothing and no one else matters. All the insecurity is hidden behind this false self, who is strong and charismatic and knows how to take care of number one. Both have had difficult and painful backgrounds, but they both chose very different ways of handling it. Both need to heal, and find healthier ways to handle their trauma. Narcissists have no desire or interest in change, but empaths can heal and learn better ways to handle their pain. They can overcome.’

I do struggle with the fact that, ultimately, he has zero awarenesss of his issues, that ultimately its him that needs help ( his constant digs about me being mentally ill really get me going believe me – the constant ongoing emotional abuse just doesn’t stop), but that will never happen, as he has not one ounce of self reflection or introspection. He is perfect and every one else can basically go fuck themselves.

Grieving

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If it’s not one thing it’s another. After having been betrayed by my own Mother (nothing new there really) I now stand to lose the only “real” mother I knew in my life – my grandmother.

She’s had a good life, don’t get me wrong, it’s been long and full, she is 98 after all. It’s just that she’s been all I had really, that emanated any kind of mothering feeling, any kind of comforting feeling for that matter. My mother does not have that skill, she completely lacks empathy, so she’s unable to think of anyone but herself. She demonstrated that year after year after year. My Exes heartlessness was not the only one I ignored and forgave and overlooked for many years. I was labouring under the belief that Family is at base good for you, and that loyalty is understood. Boy was I wrong.

I’ve had dealings with my mother recently purely to assist with the logistics and care of my grandmother. It’s been hard to have to deal so delicately with someone who has helped put a sledgehammer to my life and essentially assisted my ex in getting custody of my son , even though she maintains she was trying to be “ neutral “. I’ve told her point blank I’ll never forgive her for that, and it’s not a lie, I won’t.

We have known this was coming but now she has gone downhill really quickly and I get a text message from my mother this morning saying “she’s going to die this week”. Tactful as ever.

So I dropped my son off at School this morning but obviously I want to give him the chance to say goodbye to his great grandmother. He’s spent a lot of time with her, he knows she is ill. He understands that she will die, but I am adamant he get the chance to say that himself. My mother is trying to block that, saying he shouldn’t see her so sick. Im yet to hear back from my ex , I’m assuming he will side with my mother. Nevermind that as a small child he had to see my exes mother waste away and had to attend a funeral as well. He was only 4 years old at most. If my Ex blocks this I will be furious. Neither of these people know how to be authentic and neither of them have grieved in a healthy way. For them to make this decision over me is going to make me livid.

Update – I went to visit my grandmother on Monday Night, My ex brought my Son around to visit as well, but didn’t have the courtesy to actually leave the room to let family do their thing. My grandmother passed away approximately 12 hours later.

Prince Charming

A small excerpt to frame this post and explain;

“Emotional abuse can make shadows of the most intelligent women,” she says. “Women in very senior positions at work will feel like frauds because they’ll come home and be treated so poorly.”

According to Don Hennessy of the Cork Marriage Counselling Centre and author of the book How He Gets into Her Head, the one thing all victims have in common is kindness. “They have to be the type of person willing to put another person’s needs before their own.”

The first thing Hennessy asks someone seeking support at the counselling centre is: are you being blamed for things in your relationship? “And the usual response is, ‘Yes, I’m blamed for everything.’ ”

He says abusers groom their partners to meet their needs from the start of a relationship. They usually have a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy and the ability to manipulate.

Something else abusers tend to be, according to Ryan, is charming. “Friends and family will say, ‘Wow, what an amazing partner.’ When everyone’s telling you he’s fantastic, you think he must be.”

So, you see, he isn’t the man he has presented himself as to everyone who knows him. It’s hard to describe how his traits present themselves, because it’s very covert. It was incredibly hard for me to even see what he was doing. It took me to leave to realise it. The distance had a huge part in highlighting things that were just normal for me, or too close to even focus on. Also, I’ve been with this man for 14 years. I’m 42 and I’ve known him since I was 16. We even dated for a little while back then, and he told me back then he loved me. Love and loyalty have ways of making you blind. Plus with him it was always me…my fault….so how could it have been him?

I look back now and I’m not even sure it was love on my part. I lost my father at a young age and my mother emotionally abandoned me pretty much right after that. It’s not surprising to me that I eventually fell for him, after he’s been the only person to really ever tell me they love me consistently. After all, love is what children crave most and there really wasn’t anyone else to give me that.

It started with poetry, romance and a feeling of relief that I had finally found someone who “got me” and would understand what I’m about. I was excited to have found someone I thought I could share that journey with. I mean I knew he was different to me, in many ways, but I couldn’t see any of them being an issue in the beginning.

The start of our relationship was intense and blinding and my world rotated around him. I , in fact, left my entire life behind on another continent to start a new life with him, So, I started with severe isolation within the relationship, this only made me hang on tighter to the one person I trusted and knew – HIM.

His friends became our friends and we lived our lives his way – this meant: nice restaurants, exciting social events, deluxe short breaks. It was an exciting life…never dull…very superficial…very materialistic, lacking in depth ..now that I reflect. Given I’m a pretty spiritual person and value authenticity over most things, it’s a hard fact to reconcile. How did I manage to live that way for so long? Being distracted by the constant chase for the newest most exciting thing to happen and eat and see certainly helped.

I mean it did eventually start to feel very empty….and this is where having a child came in. What better way to become a fulfilled person than to give life to something else….a part of you…that you would put first and would love no matter what it did or said. I never ever felt very maternal, but the moment I found out I was pregnant I felt a fierce protectiveness. That feeling hasn’t waned to this day. My connection with my child is intense. I take him in with every sense. Physical separation is painful, as I’m a super affectionate person. When we are together we are literally glued to each other. He wants and needs this physical connection with me, after all he was and still is a physical part of me.

Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Charming. Yes he is, he is easy to talk to. Women seem to gravitate towards him because he is well practiced at looking like he listens well. Maybe he actually did in the beginning, and just decided to stop after a while. It’s very clear to me now that my ex has had zero clue who I am as a person for many years now, and I certainly didn’t refrain from expressing myself in any way. As the years have gone on I’ve become much better at expressing how I feel and who I am. I credit good therapists and an introspective nature.

The bottom line is, well, he’s charming…..on first glance. Look a little closer….focus properly and it should become quite clear that there is no depth behind it…it’s self serving. It feeds his ego. Ultimately that’s why he hasn’t ever been single for very long….he needs another to feed on, to make himself feel bigger and better and superior.

Motherhood stolen & eggs

So I’m at work today, just doing my thing, and someone has brought in their child (as it’s school holidays) He’s playing quietly on his ipad whilst his mother is in a meeting. The boy must be around 9, the moment I see him I smile and he smiles back. Then I tear up. Deep breaths in and out. Crying at work is not generally seen as professional.

It’s Easter this week. I’ve requested to see my boy for the long weekend, I mean for longer than normal. This was denied. Never-mind that I spent a whole 4 hours with my child for Christmas, or that for the past year my ex has had him nearly every holiday. The courts haven’t even seen any of the multitude of affidavits I’ve written and had witnessed in an effort to have someone else decide what is fair besides my ex. Who clearly has only his own best interest at heart .If he retains custody of my child he can lower what I may be eligible for financially you see.

My boy misses me. I’ve been his primary carer his entire life – up until I left his father. There were few to no issues with me seeing my son until I got lawyers involved. Once I engaged lawyers, I was suddenly an unfit mother, mentally unstable, an alcoholic ,etc etc….a danger to the child I bore, fed, cuddled, encouraged, comforted, disciplined, taught, laughed with, enjoyed, had pillow fights with, sang with, medicated, washed, cheered for, picked up and dusted off, kissed better, worried about, cried for and just generally adored.

Suddenly he decided I needed supervision. Suddenly everything that happened when he was with me was under the microscope and magnified. Suddenly I was accused of being neglectful because my child fell into a pool whilst he was helping his godmother clean around it. He can swim, and I was watching him when he fell. As was his godmother .He got a mosquito bite (which he has had allergies to) whilst in my care, and suddenly it was the end of the world. It wasn’t enough that I gave him an antihistamine right away and as soon as I dropped him home put some antibiotic cream on it.

Somehow any bites he got at home (with his father) were of no consequence, but when with me it was a reason for me to be scolded and reminded of how to parent. Many letters went back and forth between our lawyers about this one thing. Ridiculous. My ex wouldn’t even know to give him an antihistamine if it weren’t for me. Walking on eggshells whilst I was with him has just morphed into walking on eggshells despite having left him. Everything I do, say, drink, eat, wherever I go – is under scrutiny.

It wasn’t enough that he had zero respect for my privacy whilst in the relationship. He accessed my private emails and tracked me via his phone and the Find my friends app. He’d ask me why I was somewhere when I was out and what I was doing – because he was tracking my location. He installed smart locks on the front door and cameras. I had my own unique pin code, where every entry and exit was logged. He’d review camera footage which was all recorded. He’d once been upset that I had messaged one of “his” male friends. They also happened to be an old friend of mine (we all went to school together), but he didn’t like it because he was male. I made a point of being very careful he never got jealous. He didn’t need to be, I was a loving caring partner who told him regularly how I felt about him. I just sensed that it was something better avoided.

I’ve been surprised this past year at the things, the small things, I denied myself because he thought they were wrong. Like breakfast for dinner. Seems silly right. But if I ate by myself or without him, I got labelled as selfish and he got upset with me and I got punished. He didn’t think breakfast for dinner was logical hence shouldn’t be done. So imagine my delight the first time I had a nice warming, comforting egg dish for dinner once Id left. It was pure bliss I tell you.

Sometimes it is the little things.

Explanations

So, it’s a big call to say you’ve been emotionally abused.

I’ve been called a liar by my ex, who says I’m only saying that to make my case in court stronger.

It doesn’t feel like it makes anything stronger. It was a bit of a shock really when I realised that what I’d experienced all these years actually had a name. That it wasn’t me…and that I didn’t deserve it. It was actually a revelation, I felt relief and anger and hurt all at once. It was quite overwhelming. It still is.

Blaming you. A common theme I’ve found. now that I’ve delved into the world of Domestic violence and all its character traits. It seems that the person ‘doing ‘ the abuse needs you to feel like it’s you. They need this because it makes you weak and them strong, and it makes you easier to manipulate. My ex never hit me, he did however criticise me pretty constantly for our entire relationship. Small things, never really nasty, but constant pointless jabs, that took on the tone of “ you’re useless” and “ you are incapable” – once you’re there it’s not far to “ you’re worthless”. However all the other things that went along with it helped.

I am someone who was fed this dialogue as a child and believed it then. So it wasn’t difficult for him to lower my self-esteem greatly that way. I was always happy to compromise, sometimes to the extent that I would just give him the choice so he’d be happy. I didn’t want my choices to annoy him or anger him, I avoided it at all costs. Sometimes giving him the choice wasn’t the right thing either and he showed frustration that I didn’t want to choose. Either way I was in trouble.

He was always very concerned about appearances (still is mind you), which is something we’ve always been at odds on. I am actually someone who hardly sees the outer shell at all – I look for the real content…you know…the good stuff…the heart and soul. He’s the kind of man who buys a new shirt for every occasion – literally, he does. Whilst I’ve walked to the shops in my pyjamas.

If for some reason I didn’t feel up to accompanying him to some outing, a friend’s party for example, he would not be happy about it. He would say things like “what lie am I going to have to tell OUR friends about why you’re not coming “. I would reply that our friends knew me well enough that he didn’t have to lie at all, he could just tell them I wasn’t up to it. This would make him furious, he’d usually storm out with a parting comment meant to inspire guilt. I’d then get the cold shoulder for a few days for making him go alone.

Emotional withdrawal was his punishment of choice, I always hated sleeping on a fight or having anything go unresolved for long. I bought relationship books to try to teach us how to argue more fairly and to resolve things, all to no avail, as my ex NEVER EVER took any responsibility for anything. Nothing was ever his fault. EVER. Even when I used neutral language like “ this is how this makes me feel “ he would take it as an accusation that he was doing something wrong. He’d blow up and say things like “I can’t do anything right” making himself the victim, which meant the conversation went nowhere. I’d get frustrated at our inability to get anywhere in these discussions and he’d finally crack and come towards me in a physically intimidating manner bellowing “ you’re pushing me “. I’ve had him scream at me like that inches from my face, it’s very scary. He’s done it to my son too, he was petrified.

Nothing I brought up was ever valid, my feelings were considered unimportant. I was labelled too sensitive and delusional. When we’d fight, he would outright deny he said something when he’d literally just said it. It’ impossible to fight that tactic, trust me. I’ve since learnt this is a form of gaslighting – a tactic used to make you think you’re not all there. It wasn’t easy for me to go there mind you because I have a fabulous memory, still he insisted I was the one mishearing and I was the irrational one. Honestly, get told that enough and you’ll start believing it.

Ok, so I’m not saying he’s this horrid person and I’m perfect. Honestly, I’m not perfect in any way, but I have always owned my part in anything. The hard thing about this is that more often than not the “abuser” doesn’t even realise they are doing it. How can that be you ask – I have no clue either…..something to do with frontal lobe deficiencies is what I’d guess. The frontal lobe of the brain is where empathy and insight sit. These two traits are completely lacking in my ex. So technically, he probably doesn’t realise he’s being unreasonable, or horrible. This certainly makes the issue harder to process and harder to deal with, because even leaving him hasn’t stopped his abuse. He is still trying to control me, and is quite successful at it right now seeing as he’s using our son to do it.

Honestly, sometimes (ok I lie, more often than not ) I just want to scream out loud at the top of my lungs at what he’s doing to me and to our son. Yet to the outside world, he’s playing the devoted father and caring community man.